The Teachings of Cyrus
by AquilaTempestas
Summary: Cyrus failed in his attempt to become the new God, but now he seeks to redeem himself. How? The Champions decide he must educate a group of selected trainers on sexual matters. Poor trainers. Over the top extreme crude humour warning.
1. Cyrus' New Job

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Pokemon do not belong to me

**Title**

The Teachings of Cyrus

**Summary**

Cyrus failed in his attempt to become the new God, but now he seeks to redeem himself. How? The Champions decide he must educate a group of selected trainers on sexual matters. Poor trainers.

.

**Chapter One: Cyrus' New Job**

Being a criminal mastermind was a horrible career, Cyrus confirmed early that Monday morning. The days were long and tiring, his 'staff' consisted of idiots and worst of all his pay was terrible. It hardly seemed worth the effort now that he thought about it. But those days of being a psychopath hellbent on becoming the new God were over! Cyrus was determined to do something good for the world for a change.

Of course every other trainer in existence wanted him locked up behind bars for the rest of his miserable life, so finding a way to redeem himself was proving to be quite a challenge. He had tried applying for jobs all around Sinnoh, but no one wanted to hire a crazy man. So poor Cyrus had no job, but he did have a home in the local caravan park thanks to the ever so loyal Mars.

"You're serious, aren't you? About your idea to redeem yourself?" Mars said, sitting on the floor directly across from her boss.

He frowned. "Yes."

Mars giggled, then fell silent. "And how are you going to achieve that? You're the most hated individual in Sinnoh. You can't even get a job as a clown," she pointed out. "And I mean no offense, but you're not exactly great company."

He frowned some more. "Did you just insult me?"

Mars rolled her eyes. Sometimes, her boss was an idiot. When it came to bringing plans of mass destruction to life, he excelled, but when it came to simple matters such as carrying on a normal conversation, he really struggled. "That's the problem. You have no personality. You were so determined to pretend emotions didn't exist, that you have forgotten how important it is to have and express them… except for anger and hate of course which you were quite good at. You need to work on the more positive emotions though if you want to redeem yourself in the eyes of the public." Her eyes suddenly brightened, and the corners of her mouth curved upwards. "Hey, I know! I hear there's a job offer going around that no one wants to take – you could apply for it!"

"I'll take it. What is it?"

Mars grinned. "Go and ask Cynthia. She'll tell you all about it."

Cyrus just nodded, unsure of what he had just agreed to. Why on earth was Mars grinning like she had just won the lottery? Mars stood up and he followed her out of the caravan. What job could be so bad that no one wanted?

**.**

_Later that day…_

"So Cyrus, what are your qualifications aside from being an evil guy?" Cynthia asked, sitting behind a desk, giving him a curious look.

He looked at her with his usual expression – a deadpanned one. Working on expressing emotions was something he was going to have to work on if he wanted to leave a good impression, Mars had said. "Uh…" He thought hard. Back in his rebellious teenage days, his parents had forced him to get a job at a fast food store but he left because the place was so damn greasy. "Nothing?"

"That's alright because it's not going to matter anyway since this job is quite basic," Cynthia replied, flicking a strand of blonde hair over her shoulder.

"What does the job entail?"

She grinned. Cyrus couldn't tell if it was a happy pleased grin or rather a mocking one. "You will be required to teach a group of trainers about sexual matters. My fellow Champions believe it's quite necessary for a trainer to understand how the human body works and feel such a class is necessary. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't hire you considering your history and all, but we are desperate."

So he was expected to educate a bunch of pre-teens on the topic of puberty? That sounded like it was going to end like his former job – in ruins. He frowned, in what he hoped was an expression of confusion. "I have to teach a bunch of pre-teens?"

She shook her head, laughing. "Not pre-teens. These trainers are in their mid teen years. They've been so focused on becoming Pokemon Masters, they have forgotten about themselves. Some of the gym leaders are lost as well and are frightened by the things that are happening to them. Actually, some of my fellow Champions are lost as well…" she said with a frown. She fell silent for a couple of moments then spoke up again. "You can start immediately then! Just sign the contract here," she said, pushing a document towards him, "and you'll be officially recognized as Sinnoh's only sex educator. I hope you enjoy it. I'll provide you a list of names tomorrow."

Cyrus grabbed the pen and scribbled down his signature (he also added a smiley face which Mars had suggested) and pushed the paper back. Cynthia studied his signature and nodded. "What time?"

"Eight am sharp tomorrow morning. The classes are being held at the league. The easiest way to get here is to fly so I hope you have a Pokemon that can transport you here otherwise you have to pay a fee if you use public transport," Cynthia explained. Fortunately, that wasn't going to be a problem for Cyrus since he still had his loyal team with him and two of them could fly. "Thanks for taking this role! If you didn't take it, we would've had to free Ghetsis or Lysandre from jail otherwise. Think hard about what topics to choose - there are no limitations. Have fun!" She grinned again.

Cyrus took that as a sign that the discussion was over. He stood up and left the room wondering if he had made the right decision after all.

**.**

This is really just a pure crack story – I haven't written one in a long time and I felt compelled towrite one up. Who do you want to see join Cyrus' class and what lessons do you think the Galactic boss should cover? Reviews are much appreciated!


	2. The Introductory Session

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Pokemon do not belong to me

**Title**

The Teachings of Cyrus

**Summary**

Cyrus failed in his attempt to become the new God, but now he seeks to redeem himself. How? The Champions decide he must educate a group of selected trainers on sexual matters. Poor trainers.

**Special Thanks**

Thanks must go to Pokekid543, Sailor Taichichi Vegeta, lancexlyra4ever and Nuzlocke-Ptroxsora for reviewing the first chapter! And thanks to those who have already added this story to their favourites and alerts list.

.

**Chapter Two: The Introductory Session**

There was a rumour going around town that someone had finally taken up the job as Sinnoh's sex educator. Parents had been dreaming of this moment for years now because it meant they did not have to give their kids 'the talk'. You know the really awkward one where the child isn't sure whether to be scared or burst out in tears with laughter? Yeah, that one. So naturally, everyone in Sinnoh (and even curious people from surrounding regions), all travelled to the wonderful region of Sinnoh to get a glimpse of this brave person.

Needless to say they were quite surprised when Cynthia announced that it was in fact, crazy criminal failed mastermind Cyrus had been given the role. Parents were rather confused – what on earth did a man like him know about teaching children about the terrors of puberty? Oh well. Despite the fact that Cyrus was crazy, parents signed up their children anyway, relieved they didn't have to be the ones giving 'the talk'.

And now, Sinnoh's new sex educator, stood in front of his Galatic commanders, a frown on his face. "So…" Saturn started, trying his best to contain his laughter. "You are Sinnoh's new educator of sex." As soon as the words left his mouth, he broke down into uncontrollable giggles. He was soon joined by Charon and Jupiter. Only Mars controlled her laughter, although she was clearly struggling.

"Why is that funny?" Cyrus asked.

"It's well… it's because it's you," Saturn explained. "You've never given us 'the talk' before."

The boss continued to frown. "I did not think it was necessary."

"So, who is coming to your first session?" Jupiter said.

Cyrus glanced down at the list. There were at least over one thousand names on the list – Cynthia had told him he needed to pick ten randomly. Those who were not selected could watch it online or attend the next session. "Red, Brock, N, Morty, Ghetsis, Champion Lance, Lyra, Misty, Champion Cynthia and Dawn… what the hell?" What a strange list of names. The only ones he recognized were Lance, Cynthia and Dawn.

Cynthia had agreed to come along just to ensure he was doing the job right and not trying to create a new army to take over the world so it was understandable why she was coming. Dawn coming along was also understandable – she had thwarted his plans. She was probably coming along just to laugh at him. But Lance? But then again, the Dragon Master Champion had probably repressed so much to become so skilled in training dragons; he probably was clueless about this stuff as well.

Cyrus didn't care too much about the other names. He was just keen to get started so he could get his first paycheck early next week. He hoped to moved out of Mars' caravan and get one of his own… and if he earned enough, he could probably upgrade to an actual house! "Good luck, boss! We'll be watching it all online! Don't be afraid to ask us for assistance if you get stuck!" Mars said.

Cyrus nodded. He was lucky to have such loyal commanders even if he did think they were a little dense at times. He said his goodbyes and entered the classroom, taking in a deep breath, as he strolled over to the desk. The students were already in their seats and looking at him with curious eyes. What did these people know about puberty and sex anyway? But before he could test their knowledge, he had to learn their names.

"Red?"

A boy wearing a red and white cap backwards put his hand up. He did not say anything at all, just nodded in response. Was the boy a mute or did he just not like talking to people? Well it was certainly going to be odd trying to communicate with this boy.

"Brock?"

A tanned male sitting next to Red put his hand up in the air enthusiastically. "I can't wait for this session! You know, I've already made a list of topics I would like answered. I don't understand how a female's menstrual cycle works. Pokemon don't seem to have it, so could you please explain to us why human females do?"

Cyrus just stared. That was something he was going to have to ask his female commanders. He made a mental note to himself. "N?"

Sitting in the far back left corner next to a man wearing a brown thick robe, was a male with long green hair and a naive look on his face. "That's me!" N. What a weird name. Did it stand for anything? Noob, perhaps? No Name? It was a mystery.

"Ghetsis?"

Ghetsis turned out to be the robed man sitting next to N. He was rather old so it was a real mystery why the man was even here. It was then Cyrus realized Ghetsis was the criminal mastermind of Unova – a failed one, just like himself. "I'm only here to watch over my son, N." They were related? Cyrus couldn't see the similarities at all. He moved on to the next name on the list.

"Morty?"

A blond haired male wearing a scarf put his hand up. "I'm Morty, Ghost-type trainer from Ecruteak City."

Great. So far, he had a class full of freaks. An old man. A know-it-all. A mute. A boy with a weird name. And a Ghost boy. "Lance?"

Lance was easy to spot. He was sitting next to a girl with pigtails and they were deeply involved in a conversation Cyrus couldn't hear. The Champion was still wearing that stupid cape and he still invested way too much money in getting his hair right. Stupid dragon tamers. "Lyra?"

Lyra turned out to be the girl sitting next to Lance. She smiled. "That's me!"

"Misty?"

Misty was a girl with bright orange hair. Her hair reminded him of a carrot. All of a sudden he felt hungry. "This class better be worth it," she said, arms folded over her chest. Cyrus didn't bother mentioning Cynthia's name – he knew who she was and she was present. He didn't mention Dawn either.

He took in a deep breath. Class was now in session.

.

Cyrus asked the students to write down questions on scrap pieces of paper. That way he could get a better understanding of what topics needed to be covered and such. It took twenty minutes for the papers to get back to him. He picked the first one up, unfolded it and read it silently. The questions were as follows:

"Why does the thing between my legs get hard?"

"What is tea-bagging?"

"Please explain what 'spanking the monkey' is all about."

"I don't understand what a 69er is?"

"I can't get it up? Please help!"

"…"

"Should I swallow or should I spit?"

"So I touched myself the other day and this white stuff came out like magic! What is happening to me? I'm scared!"

"Why haven't I bled yet?"

"What is a condom?"

Judging by the questions asked, Cyrus knew this was going to be rather painful and awkward.

.

I'll be taking requests for the next chapter! I've already got one for Cyrus explaining the human female menstrual cycle, so keep the requests coming! Also, feel free to mention which trainers you'd like to see cameo! See you all soon! Reviews are much appreciated, as always!

Here's a little quiz for you guys – who do you think asked which question? I'll reveal the answers in the next chapter! On a side note, I will be bringing in other trainers as well, so if there is someone you really want to see, mention it!


	3. Cyrus Answers Questions, part one

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Pokemon do not belong to me

**Title**

The Teachings of Cyrus

**Summary**

Cyrus failed in his attempt to become the new God, but now he seeks to redeem himself. How? The Champions decide he must educate a group of selected trainers on sexual matters. Poor trainers.

**Special Thanks**

Thanks to Sailor Taichichi Vegeta, Pokekid543 and Nuzlocke-Ptroxsora for reviewing the previous chapter!

.

**Chapter Three: Cyrus Answers Questions, part one**

Cyrus kept glancing down at the questions wondering which question he should answer first. He didn't know much about the human female body because he wasn't female and figured he should answer those ones in the next session, after he consulted with his female Galactic members. That narrowed it down to eight questions. Where on earth to start?

The class was watching him with eager eyes, as they waited for their sex educator to answer their burning questions. Even Ghetsis, the man who claimed he was only here for his son, looked interested. That was just creepy – shouldn't a guy of that age know all this sort of stuff? "Well," Cyrus started, clearing his throat awkwardly, preparing himself for what was going to be really weird, "I shall answer the first question to the best of my ability."

Brock stuck his hand up in the air. "Ooh, pick mine, pick mine!"

Cyrus sighed. "What was your question?"

He grinned. "Please explain what 'spanking the monkey' is all about. It doesn't mean actually hurting a monkey, right? Because I wouldn't think it would be a wise thing to spank a Mankey."

Cyrus really hoped the pay rate was worth this torture. "Correct. It would not be a wise spank a Mankey… or any Pokemon for that matter. But the 'monkey' in your question does not actually refer to a creature. It actually refers to… well…" Any other person would feel rather awkward in this situation, but Cyrus had trained himself well not to show emotion so he answered it with a blank face.

"What is it?" Brock said.

This was something he knew quite well. You could try and shut down emotions, but the body had needs and sometimes that was stronger than the mind. "Spanking the monkey refers to male masturbation. Other terms include flogging the bishop, polishing the pearl, jerk the gherkin, wanking… you get the idea." Thanks to his years of practice, he managed to explain that without looking awkward.

Brock was still confused. "But why do they call it a monkey?"

Cyrus shrugged. "That is one of life's unanswered mysteries."

"Doesn't that make people go blind?" Misty asked.

Morty's eyes were wide. "I heard it makes people grow hairy palms!"

There were a few 'ew gross', 'oh my god that's disgusting' and 'pfft, that's a load of crap because I've been jerking off for years and I'm still incredibly gorgeous' comments from the students. Cyrus could only shake his head at their innocence. Cynthia had been right. These people were very confused. "That is a myth," Cyrus said. "We'll discuss this in greater depth in a later lesson. I'm moving onto the next question now."

"Aw, man," said Brock.

"Now," Cyrus started, moving onto the next question. "Continuing on with the slang terms, I will now answer the next two questions. What is tea-bagging and what is a 69er."

"Ah, finally," Ghetsis said. "I will discover what this tea-bagging nonsense is about." Ghetsis had asked that? What the fuck, thought Cyrus, feeling deeply disturbed (which was a pretty hard thing to achieve).

"Now I will finally understand what my gym trainers were laughing about!" Misty exclaimed.

"Tea-bagging is an unusual term to describe this sexual act," Cyrus said. "It's basically where the male places his scrotum in the mouth of a willing sexual partner for pleasure or onto the face or head of another person," he said, using the exact description he had found on SexPedia one day. "A 69er is a sexual position which allows two people to give and receive oral sex simultaneously. This can be quite frustrating for some couples though, especially if their partner gets lazy."

Dawn put her hand up. "How do you know so much, Cyrus?"

Yes, that was a good question. How did he, criminal mastermind of Galactic, know so much about this sort of stuff? "I learnt a lot of things during my time as the boss of Galactic." His workers were very hormonal and constantly engaged in many sexual acts with each other when there was an opportunity. That was why he had to put up a sign reminding staff to make sure the bed is unoccupied before getting into it. Getting into the bed while there was another person in it led to awkward sexual moments.

"So Cyrus," Dawn continued. "Have you taken part in any of these… acts?"

He frowned. "That is not for you to know."

Dawn leaned over to Cynthia and whispered something into her ear which caused the Champion of Sinnoh to giggle. They both looked at him with identical amused smirks plastered on their faces. "Moving onto the next question…" And the next question to be answered was… "Why does the thing between my legs hard?"

N sat up straight, learning forward on his desk. It didn't take a genius to realize the boy had asked this one. "I thought I was going to die!" he exclaimed. "So I told my daddy and he just laughed at me." He turned to Ghetsis and frowned, then turned his attention back to Cyrus. "Is it a sign of illness? Is there something wrong with me?" His eyes widened. The boy looked ready to cry.

"You are not going to die. It is simply something that happens specifically to males as females do not have one. Let's start off with the basics as you clearly do not know what the 'thing' between your legs is," Cyrus pointed out. The boy must be living under a rock… either that or he's just really clueless. "So, N, what you are calling a 'thing' is actually called a penis." N's bottom lip began to tremble. "Yes, I know, it's an ugly word, but some things just can't be changed."

"Why does it go hard?" said N, fighting hard to hold back tears.

"That's called an erection… or a boner if you prefer. This usually happens when you have a romantic or sexual thought, or that area has received some form of physical stimulation. They can happen spontaneously, and there isn't much you can do to stop it, however, there are some ways you can deal with your sudden burst of excitement. For example, you can simply focus your mind on something else."

Misty snorted. "Well, that doesn't sound too horrible. It doesn't sound painful at least."

Lance glared. "Not too horrible? Your girls are lucky. At least you can predict when you are going to bleed."

"Maybe you ought to control yourself better then, Dragon Master," Misty shot back.

"It's harder than it sounds!" Lance retorted, earning a chuckle from Morty.

Cyrus called for attention by throwing one of his pokeballs onto the ground. Houndoom appeared. That shut everyone up. "Now someone asked this, so I touched myself the other day and this white stuff came out like magic. What is happening to me? I'm scared." His eyes scanned the room. "Who asked this question?"

No one owned up. Houndoom growled. Morty raised his hand. "Okay, okay, I admit, it was me." Lance sniggered. Morty threw the smug Dragon Master a glare.

"Again, it's nothing to be afraid of," Cyrus assured as best as he could. "That 'white stuff' is called semen. You ejaculate it once you orgasm." By the looks on their faces, some of the students had no idea what these 'big words' meant. Perhaps writing them a glossary of terms would make things easier for them to understand. Yes, that seemed like a genius idea. "I'll prepare a glossary of terms for your next session."

The majority of the trainers looked relieved. "That's good because I don't know what any of these big words mean," said N. "It's a good thing you are here to help us understand ourselves better, Cyrus." Yes, indeed. He was their hero.

Misty paled. "The more we talk about this, the happier I am that I'm a female."

"Onto the next question. Should I swallow or should I spit?" He suspected this question came from one of the females in the room. Dawn? Cynthia? Misty? Lyra? "Who asked this and why?" There was an uncomfortable silence when Lyra finally put her hand up.

"It was me," she said.

"To answer your question, it doesn't matter, but it generally makes your partner happier if you do in fact, swallow."

Lyra instinctively looked to Lance who just winked at her. Lyra's face turned a deep shade of red and Cyrus connected the dots. So, Lyra was screwing the Dragon Master. Had they come to his class just to get some advice on sexual positions? What freaks. "I'll be answering the final question now… the others will be answered in the next session. The final question of the session is… I can't get it up? Please help."

Cyrus was expecting Red or Lance to confess, but it turned out to be from Ghetsis. _That _shocked him. So some people had asked more questions and others did not ask at all. Embarrassed? Who knew? "My friend would like to know," Ghetsis said. Cyrus knew that was just an excuse – the old man couldn't admit it was him so he used the, 'I'm gonna pretend someone else did as to not embarrass myself in public'.

"Well Ghetsis, there's a reason for that. It's called erectile dysfunction and it's quite common in older men… how old are you? Over forty, I imagine?" Ghetsis just snorted, as if he was offended. Which only made Cyrus confirm Ghetsis indeed was the one having problems downstairs. "This condition is quite common in men ages forty and over."

"I shall pass the information onto my friend then," Ghetsis said.

N frowned. "But dad… you don't have any friends. Nobody likes y-"

"Shut up, son."

Yup, Ghetsis was certainly having problems. No wonder he was stark raving mad. "That's all for today's session. I will answer the others in our next session," Cyrus said. The trainers rose from their chairs and exited the room, except for Cynthia of course.

"I have to admit, I'm surprised. You managed yourself far better than what I had thought."

"When do I receive my pay check?"

She grinned. "Next week. I'll be seeing you in the next session." And with that said, she exited the room to join up with her friend, Dawn. It was now time to head back to Mars' caravan and ask for advice about females and their strangeness.

.

… I will never look at the characters the same way again… How are you faring? Keep the suggestions coming! Reviews are much appreciated, as always!


	4. Team Bonding

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Pokemon do not belong to me

**Title**

The Teachings of Cyrus

**Summary**

Cyrus failed in his attempt to become the new God, but now he seeks to redeem himself. How? The Champions decide he must educate a group of selected trainers on sexual matters. Poor trainers.

**Special Thanks**

This chapter is more of a filler – you get a bit of Cyrus history and some team bonding moments. The sex lessons will continue in the following chapter though, so don't worry! Thanks must go to lancexlyra4ever, Pokekid543, Sailor Taichici Vegeta, bacon818 and Nuzlocke-Ptroxsora for reviewing the previous chapter!

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**Chapter Four: Team Bonding**

After an exhausting session of educating the foolish in the matters of puberty, Cyrus was keen just to sit back on the floor and watch something amusing on the screen. Unfortunately, luck was not shining on him as the Galactic commanders wanted to congratulate him on a job well done. "You did great, boss! I even took down some notes!" Saturn smiled, showing Cyrus his pink notepad. "I didn't know you knew so much! If I had known, I probably would've asked you for some advice!"

"Galactic was focused on creating a new universe; not on how to impress the other person in bed," Cyrus explained, wishing he could just sit back and chill for the rest of the afternoon. He had another session tomorrow and it was going to be a little tougher than the first one because he was dealing with female matters. "Now, Mars. Jupiter. I need to ask you a few questions regarding the topic of tomorrow's session."

Mars and Jupiter were both eager to please. The girls pushed Saturn out of the way. "Anything!" Jupiter said.

Mars stuck out her tongue. "He said my name first!"

"But I'm older!"

"He likes me better!"

"Does not!"

"Does too! And why do you care? You've got Saturn!"

Cyrus rolled his eyes. Once again the girls were fighting over something so ridiculous. He knew he was awesome and all, but did they have to fight? It was a mentally draining activity. "Ladies, please. Cease the fighting. I said Mars' name first because we are standing in her caravan," he pointed out. Jupiter grumbled.

"So anyway, you didn't answer the question. How do you know so much?" Saturn asked again.

Cyrus tried to think of a way to avoid the question, but nothing came to mind. Besides, he was cornered by his commanders and they weren't going to let him go that easily. "I learnt a lot about these sorts of things during my reign as boss," he said, hoping the commanders wouldn't see through his lie. Unfortunately, luck really wasn't shining on him today.

"But you knew the slang terms! The grunts of Galactic were too stupid to know of such things," Jupiter protested, "and we never told you because we figured you were asexual or something."

Cyrus raised an eyebrow at her comment. "Asexual?"

Jupiter nodded, turning to her friends for support, then provided an answer. "It's just… well you never showed sexual interest in anyone. Do you have any idea how many of the girls were placing bets to see who could seduce you first? Heck, even some of the guys joined in for fun." Cyrus didn't want to know.

"And I won!" Mars exclaimed.

This was news to Cyrus. "I would've remembered if you had."

"We drugged you. You had the flu, remember? You left us in charge until you recovered, so we threw a party!" Mars explained, giving her boss a cheeky wink. "You definitely must've gotten around a fair bit before you started up Galactic because that was a _fun _night." So, he had been under the influence of some form of drug when this… activity… occurred. All of a sudden, teaching a class of idiots sounded more appealing to him than standing here in Mars' caravan. Who knew what else the commanders had put him through during that time?

Mars was correct though. He had gotten around a fair bit in his early teenage years. His father treated him like shit because he wasn't getting the same amount of action his son was. Jealousy, such an ugly emotion, but it scarred Cyrus for life. It turned him bitter. So after a couple of months of whoring around, Cyrus decided to stop because he learnt people could carry STD's and he didn't want to die so he convinced himself emotions were bad because it led to sex which led to an early death.

He had gone over ten years without having sex… until now it seemed. Not that it mattered much anymore since he wasn't trying to take over the world, but rather make the region a better place by giving sex education classes. "So, what did you need our help with?" Jupiter asked.

He thought back to the questions asked. "One of the girls would like to know why they haven't 'bled' yet. I am not sure how to describe this since I obviously do not experience it which is why I am asking." The other question had something to do with describing what a condom was, but Cyrus wanted to focus on the bleeding thing first. He figured there'd be quite a few questions asked in relation to that.

"Well, how about I come along and lend you a hand?" Mars said.

Cyrus frowned. "This is my class."

She rolled her eyes. "It'll sound better coming from a female, boss. You trying to explain how the female menstrual cycle works will be like me trying to explain how it feels to get kicked in the junk. The students aren't going to pay much attention – they need to hear it from someone who has already experienced it," she explained. Cyrus just pouted. He hoped this wouldn't affect his pay. Perhaps he could just tell Cynthia that Mars was his assistant? Surely, she wouldn't be cruel enough to hold that against him?

"You have made a good point. I shall inform Cynthia that you will be assisting me in tomorrow's session." He pulled out his phone from his pocket and dialled in Cynthia's number, while his commanders exchanged excited looks. "Hello Cynthia, this is Cyrus speaking."

"_Hello, Cyrus. What seems to be the problem? You're not considering dropping out, are you?"_

"Of course not. May I have permission to bring in one of my commanders along to assist in the next session?"

"_This job is supposed to be taught by you, Cyrus."_

"Mars insists the female students will understand female puberty if a female teaches them."

There was a long pause followed by a sigh. _"Okay, I will allow it just because I want the students to be fully informed, but there is one condition."_

"What is it?" He heard snickering on the other end. Cynthia recollected herself and described the condition. Cyrus' eyes widened upon hearing her words. No way in hell was he going to lower himself to _that _level! But she had promised a few extra dollars if he agreed to it. He _really _needed the money. "Fine. You have a deal."

She laughed again. _"See you tomorrow! Oh, by the way, Maylene, Whitney and Clair will be attending tomorrow's session. They have a few questions they would like answered." _She hung up. Cyrus rubbed his temples and sighed. He needed a couple bottles of the strongest alcohol the caravan park had to offer if he wanted to get through tomorrow.

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What is the condition? What are your guesses? All I can say is there are fun times ahead for the Galactic boss. The human female puberty topic will be covered in the next one and after that? Reviews are much appreciated, as always!

Oh, if you are interested in reading how Mars seduced Cyrus, check out my companion crude story, 'I Want Love'.


	5. Naughty Bits

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Pokemon do not belong to me

**Title**

The Teachings of Cyrus

**Summary**

Cyrus failed in his attempt to become the new God, but now he seeks to redeem himself. How? The Champions decide he must educate a group of selected trainers on sexual matters. Poor trainers.

**Special Thanks**

Thanks must go to Seas and Shadows, Pokekid543, Nuzlocke-Ptroxsora and lancexlyra4ever for reviewing the previous chapter. Also, thanks to ExodiusLK and NightmareHeartx for reviewing chapter three.

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**Chapter Five: Naughty Bits**

It wasn't like Cyrus to be nervous, but right now he couldn't stop chewing on his nails. Cynthia's cold laugher played in his mind over and over again like a horrible b-grade movie marathon. He never thought Cynthia had a dark side, but it seemed like everyone could be evil when they wanted to be. Cynthia's request was so evil even he would never think of something like that.

"Boss? Are you all right?" Mars said, looking at him as if he had suddenly grown an arm out of his head. "You look kinda pale."

Cyrus shook his head. "I'm fine," he lied.

"No, you're not. You looked like you were going to cry after you got off the phone with Cynthia," Mars pointed out.

"I did not," Cyrus stubbornly replied. He had never cried… okay, except for that one time he got dumped by his first girlfriend over the phone, but that happened when he was only twelve years old. He had never shed a tear since then. "You are merely confusing a 'crying face' for surprise."

"Oh, so that's what you call it. I could've sworn I saw your eyes well up with tears at one point," she said. Cyrus couldn't tell if she was pretending to be funny or teasing him for the sake of it. He frowned, puzzled by her response. "So, what did she say? You still have a job, right?"

He nodded. "She offered me a pay raise on one condition."

"And what was that?"

He took in a deep breath, running a hand through his messy blue hair. It was difficult enough giving sex lessons to the foolish, but this condition made things ten times harder. "Cynthia would like a… 'show and tell' session today." Show and tell. In other words, strip down and explain the naughty bits. Cynthia claimed it would be a good idea because some of the students weren't quite sure what their 'naughty bits' should look like. Yes, they were rather stupid.

"Show and tell? Ooh, I love show and tell!"

He gave her a stern stare. "This is no ordinary show and tell."

"Sex tape?"

"…Not exactly, but do not mention it to her or she might get some ideas. Rather, she would like someone to show the teenagers what they have to look forward to."

Mars' eyes widened. Cyrus saw true fear, but it faded quickly, replaced by a glimmer of amusement. He did not like that look at all. Mars was up to something. She was always rather sneaky. What did the troubled girl have in mind? "Well," she looked at him, running her tongue across her lower lip, "I would like to see that!" She winked at him.

It took a few seconds for Mars' comment to sink in. "No. I will not be on display."

She pouted. "Aw, but boss…"

"_No."_

"You're their sex educator and that means you have to show the goods!"

"I will not."

"It's not like you've got anything to be ashamed of. We do call you the _big boss _after all for a reason." Mars' grin widened. She was enjoying watching his torment. Cyrus never realized what a sick freak the girl was. "If you do it, I'm sure the other commanders will happily join in."

"I was actually thinking Saturn and Jupiter could do it."

Mars frowned. "Why not me?" A wicked grin crossed her face. "Can't handle it, boss?"

"You are already assisting me in teaching the next class. I can't ask you to do this as well. That would be cruel." He poked his head out of the caravan, searching for Saturn and Jupiter. "Where are the rascals?"

"I don't mind you know… as long as I get something in return." He turned to face her, an incredulous expression on his face. Now he was looking at her like she was the one who had randomly grown an arm out of her head. "You don't want Jupiter stripping down. She's got fake breasts. She got them done before our last pay raise actually to impress Saturn. You want the class to be authentic, right? The pure stuff?"

Jupiter had spent her money on _that? _Why on earth had he not fired her? He shook his head, deeply disturbed. "Yes."

She grinned. "Well, you won't get anything better than me, but I do expect payment."

"How much do you want?"

She raised a finger and wagged it in his face. "Not money, silly." She leaned in forward, bringing her mouth close to his right ear. "I want _you,"_ she whispered, then pulled away, giggling softly. This had to be some crazy dream, right? There was no way in hell Mars was requesting sex instead of money. What stupid person would do that? "I'm not going to help you today otherwise."

"But you said you would."

"I changed my mind. I was getting ripped off."

Women, Cyrus thought sourly. Can't ever make up their minds. "Fine." Maybe if he convinced Mars to drug him again he wouldn't remember any of it and therefore would not be mentally scarred by images of Mars having her way with him.

Mars jumped up and down. "Yay!" She grabbed his arm and led him out of the caravan. "Let's get going then! Today is going to be so much fun!"

.

"Welcome back students, I see we have some new faces with us today," Cyrus started, taking note of three females sitting in the back corner… well, at least he assumed they were all female. One looked quite buff for a girl. "Names please?"

"I'm Whitney! I'm the cutest!"

The tall girl with sapphire hair looked bored. "Clair, Lance's cousin. I'm only here to keep an eye on that pervert," she said, shooting a glare in Lance's direction.

The buff girl put her hand up. "Maylene! If this class proves to be useless, I'm going to teach_ you _a lesson in pain, Cyrus!" she threatened, doing a roundhouse kick for no good reason other than to show off. Cyrus took a step back. There was no way he wanted to be on the receiving end of that thing.

"This class will be beneficial, I assure you. Please, take a seat." The three girls sat down next to each other. "Now," he started, clearing his throat. "I have brought my lovely assistant, Mars, along today to help the girls understand their puberty process better. We didn't get around to answering the final two questions from yesterday's session so Mars will answer them."

Mars stepped forward and addressed the class with a big smile. She looked way too happy to be here. "The question is, 'Why haven't I bled yet'?"

Misty snorted. "My sisters boast about it! Why hasn't it happened to me yet?"

N's eyes were wide. "I am scared of blood."

"You are scared of everything, son. You are even scared of your own shadow," Ghetsis pointed out, earning a light-hearted chuckle from both Lance and Morty.

"You might just be a late bloomer, sweetie," Mars said. "Don't feel depressed about it; your time will come soon. All females will eventually bleed."

There was a high-pitched scream. Maylene. "I don't want to die!"

"Relax, it doesn't mean you're going to die. It just means if you have unprotected sex, you can fall pregnant," Mars explained.

Now Whitney screamed. "I don't want to be pregnant! I won't be cute anymore!"

Morty laughed. "You were never cute to begin with." Whitney removed her shoe, and hurled it at the back of his head. Morty yelped, lowered himself down in his chair, eyeing Whitney's shoe with distaste.

"Anyway, bleeding is part of something called menstruation which is the monthly shedding of a female's uteral lining. This lasts about three to five days and contains blood and tissue that exists her body through the cervix and vagina," said Mars, ignoring the 'oh gross' and 'Arceus, I wish I was a man' comments. "Sometimes, this can be accompanied with pain which can range from mild to crippling. Before the bleeding is due to begin, women experience PMS which stands for premenstrual syndrome."

"That sounds scary," said N. "I don't like big words."

Lance nodded. "It is scary. Women turn wild! They'll get mad over something small and they'll try to castrate you with their fingernails." A visible shudder raced down his spine. "But it can be stopped. Just wave a chocolate bar in their face and everything will be fine. Or you can simply have sex. Sex solves everything… right, Lyra?" he asked, glancing in his girlfriend's direction. Lyra's face had turned a deep shade of red. "Some girls get really horny around this time, it's the best moment to have great sex!" he added.

"What does 'horny' mean?" Brock said.

"Hormonal," Cyrus answered. It was about time he contributed something useful to this session.

Brock nodded, scribbling down a few notes on a single piece of paper. "My parents are going to be so proud of me."

Cyrus turned to face Mars. Was she experiencing a bout of PMS right now because she seemed pretty desperate to have sex with him. Not that she hadn't been before but she seemed to be trying harder now. Scary. He wondered if the chocolate bar thing worked. "Someone wanted to know what a condom was. Who asked that question?"

Dawn raised an awkward hand. "Just curious, that's all."

"A condom stops sperm from reaching the egg and helps prevent the transmission of STD's. Male condoms are ninety-eight percent effective against pregnancy if used correctly. Important note, once you have used one, never use it again!" Mars explained, before Cyrus could provide his own description.

Whitney raised a hand. "I have a question, Mars. What is this pain you speak of?"

"I will describe it to you. It starts off with a pain in the lower part of your back which then spreads to your legs and lower belly. The pain starts and I would best describe it as the insides of your stomach being twisted. As you can imagine, it hurts. It's a sharp, stabbing pain which increases in intensity over an hour or so until it reaches its peak. This usually includes cold sweats, nausea and vomiting. This is what is called dysmenorrhoea. Not every female experiences this, but for those that do, it's the worst pain ever."

"Can't be as bad as getting kicked in the junk," Morty said. "At least you girls get something good out of it. All us guys get is pain."

"I'd be happy to trade places with you, Morty," Clair offered in her best 'sweet' voice which really sounded like she was plotting to take over the entire world. "You can bleed a few days every month if you'd like."

He paled. "On second thoughts, I think you ladies have got it worse."

"The best part about a girl PMSing is the sex," Lance said.

"Don't you ever think about anything else?" Clair exclaimed.

Lance appeared thoughtful for a moment then shrugged. "On rare occasions I think about training and looking good, but otherwise it's all just sex." So much for dragon tamers repressing sexual desires, Cyrus thought. This guy seemed well versed in the art of sex. He really didn't know what sort of weird things this freak got up to in his spare time. "You should try it sometime, Clair. It might make you into a better person."

"Shut up, Lance! No one cares about your sex life," Clair exclaimed.

"You're just jealous because you don't have one, cousin."

"I could get laid anyone I wanted to," Clair retorted, holding her nose up high in the air. "No one suits my fancy, that's all." She looked at Lyra. "I honestly don't understand what you see in that pervert. I'm surprised he hasn't knocked you up yet."

"Hey!"

Cyrus called for silence. Things were getting a little out of hand. Besides, he was the one in charge here and they should be listening to him. "We can have a class discussion later. For now, I'd like you all to write down another set of questions so they can be answered for the next session. Once you are done, you may leave." Perhaps he could escape the next part. Cynthia looked to have forgotten all about it anyway since she hadn't brought it up.

"Cyrus, aren't you forgetting something?" Cynthia called out, a smirk plastered on her face.

Damn. No luck. "I don't think so."

"Come on, Cyrus. Stupid doesn't suit you. Remember what we talked about last night? The condition?" she teased. "Do you need a reminder? Show and tell?"

Oh, he hadn't forgotten – he had hoped she had though. But Cynthia was evil and evil masterminds never forgot anything. "Right. Of course." He looked back at the students who all appeared to look very interested (except for N who looked terrified but that was to be expected since he was scared of everything anyway). "Show and tell time." Back in the day show and tell simply meant 'show us something of yours and talk to us about' and it was G-rated. This was a sex class though and nothing was G-rated here.

He caught Mars grinning at him. What that… "Well, what are you waiting for, boss?"

Cyrus sighed. This had better be worth the pay.

.

Officially scarred for life yet? I know I am and yet, I can't stop writing this story. It's strangely addictive. This chapter was longer than normal because it's Easter and I thought I'd celebrate it by writing a longer chapter. I hope you guys are continuing to enjoy the humour because there's a lot more craziness coming your way! Reviews are much appreciated, as always!


	6. What a Monster

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Pokemon do not belong to me

**Title**

The Teachings of Cyrus

**Summary**

Cyrus failed in his attempt to become the new God, but now he seeks to redeem himself. How? The Champions decide he must educate a group of selected trainers on sexual matters. Poor trainers.

**Special Thanks**

Thanks to lancexlyra4ever, Nuzlocke-Ptroxsora, Pokekid543, ANON and Sailor Taichichi Vegeta for being brave enough to review the last chapter. Thanks also to everyone who has added this story to their faves or alerts list. Happy reading!

.

**Chapter Six: What a Monster**

"Arceus… what a monster."

"I'm scared!"

"…"

"Dayum, former evil guys have certainly _got it_."

He stood in front of the class now stark naked; fortunately, the video capturing software was off so people around the world couldn't lust over his stunning physique. Being a criminal mastermind was a tough job you see; one had to make sure they went to the gym often to keep their body in top shape. He couldn't control people if he didn't look physically intimidating. It also helped to look incredibly sexy because people were naturally drawn to those who had the goods. And he was a person who certainly had them.

When Galactic was still a functioning organization, he spent a few hours every morning working out in his personal gym, keeping his form in good shape. Following that, he'd spend at least an hour ensuring his skin looked young and healthy by applying very expensive male moisturizer. He still had to work on smiling and laughing (not evilly, mind you) because apparently he looked a bit older than he was.

"Gosh boss, I mean…. Damn!" Mars said, giving Cyrus an appreciative look. She looked ready to jump him at any moment now. He backed away, afraid. She too, had stripped down as promised, and now she looked at him as if she wanted a good old fashioned romp right here in the classroom in front of the students. Surprisingly, no one seemed to take much notice of Mars. Perhaps they were in awe of his monster.

"This is not a porn studio," Cyrus pointed out, refusing to look at Mars. She tried to stand in his line of sight, but he successfully managed to block her out, although it was quite difficult. He turned back to face the class, cleared his throat, and carried on as if this was perfectly normal and not at all awkward. "Now, as you can see, male and females are physically different. There will be size and shape differences, but the parts are still the same and function the same way. Do not feel depressed if you are considered 'small'."

N glanced down at his lap. He stood up, yanked down his pants and examined his tool closely. Ghetsis looked up, alarmed. "What are you doing, fool boy?" Although he tried to sound tough, Cyrus could see fear in his eyes.

"I've got one too!" N exclaimed. "What did you call it? A penis?" He shuddered at the word. "Can we call it something else? It looks like a sausage." Cyrus shrugged. N could call his organ whatever he wanted.

"No one is going to stop you."

N grinned goofily. He grabbed his sausage and started stroking it, ignoring the protests of his father who looked like he was about to break down in tears. Then, N screamed. "What's happening to me? Stop it!" He swatted away at his sausage. "It's alive!" he wailed. His eyes welled up and tears started to roll down his cheeks.

"You are experiencing what I previously described as an erection," Cyrus pointed out.

Maylene frowned. "I want one! It looks like so much fun!"

Lance nodded. "Jerking off is a good cure for boredom."

"And aren't you the expert in that?" Clair pointed out dryly, disgust written all over her features. "I can't believe grandfather wants _you _to be the next clan leader over me."

Lance smirked. "Normally, that's what I'd be doing right about now, but not in a room with other guys because that would just be weird." He shot N a dark glare. "That one there brings shame to the male race." Lyra giggled.

"And that brings us to our next topic. Masturbation."

"Spanking the monkey!" Brock called out.

Cyrus rolled his eyes and sighed. "Yes, that one. Now, masturbation isn't strictly a male thing, females can do it to. I will te-What are you doing, Mars?" Mars was pressed up against him, her hand hovering dangerously close to his monster. It took less than a second to realize what the girl was trying to do – he took her hand and pushed it back towards her. "Control yourself, Mars." The girl's sexual desire had taken over her mind completely now – she was unable to think like the logical commander she usually was.

"Sorry boss, but it's so hard to focus on anything else."

He looked at her sternly. "I need you, Mars."

Her face brightened. "Oh, I need you too! In me, right now!"

"… I need you to explain to the students here how female masturbation works," he finished.

"Yeah, how does it work?" Maylene said. "We don't have a toy to play with."

Cyrus ignored Maylene. He was waiting for Mars to regain her senses. "Well?"

There was a tinge of red on her face. The girl was embarrassed now, but not because she was naked (as no one really seemed to notice because they were so distracted by Cyrus' monster), but rather by the fact everyone in the class was now aware she had a raging girl boner for her boss. "Of course."

"Please demonstrate!" Misty said.

Cyrus caught Cynthia in the back corner of the classroom. The evil woman nodded. Was she enjoying the view or enjoying putting him through her own form of torture? If he had known she was this evil he would've come to her for some advice. "Is that really necessary, Cynthia?" he blurted, without thinking.

Cynthia nodded. "Education, Cyrus. The trainers must be informed."

She was probably expecting him to show the students how the process worked as well. Great. No wonder Cynthia had given him the job so easily. There was no way he could back out of it either since he wouldn't be able to get a job anywhere else. Damn Sinnoh Champion. Why couldn't she be as stupid as Lance and be distracted by sexual thoughts all the time? "Mars, if you could…"

"You first, Cyrus."

"Ladies first," he replied.

Cynthia looked back at him with unwavering confidence, the corners of her mouth curved upwards into a mocking sneer. "I hired you. I make the decisions and I demand you go first."

Cyrus glared, but said nothing more. Cynthia was a stubborn woman and nothing was going to change her mind. He had no choice but to go through with this and show how male masturbation worked, despite how awkward it was going to be since it was supposed to be a private activity and all. He needed both his hands though since he liked to talk using them. It didn't feel right otherwise. He looked at Mars again with newfound interest. He would use Mars. Besides, she was eager to get her hands all over him anyway.

He summoned his most loyal commander over to him. She skipped over without hesitation.  
"Need a hand, boss?" She winked.

He forced a grin (something he had been working on as part of his 'smiling therapy classes' Mars was assisting him with). "Yes, I do in fact."

"I'll be glad to help! How do you like it? Lube? Or none?"

"Just… This isn't meant to be an enjoyable experience, Mars. I am only doing this for the sake of educating these trainers in understanding themselves better. This is why I am allowing you to do it because I know myself better than you do and therefore I-what?"

"Boss, stop rambling. You're not making any sense. Don't be so nervous."

He glared. "I am not nervous." He was so focused on arguing with Mars, he had temporarily forgotten there were other people in the room as well.

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter anyway since there is no lubrication in here." She got down on her knees, sitting directly in front of him. "I suppose I could use my mouth though?" She peered up at him hopefully. He shook his head. Mars pouted. "All right, all right. Maybe next time then… a girl can dream." She wrapped a hand around his monster. Cyrus almost jumped at the touch. It had been quite some time since he had let anyone else touch him there. She was holding him firmly, but not so much she'd cut off his blood supply.

Mars started her movements and she did it like a girl who knew exactly what she was doing. Had she been a man in her past life? "Sir! What do we call this?" Brock asked.

Hearing Brock's voice made him remember he was in a room of other students. "This is… what we call…" He suppressed a soft moan from escaping and answered Brock's question. "This is called a hand-job. It's still masturbation, but-ah-involves hands that belong to-nng- someone else." Get a grip, Cyrus, he scolded himself. You are here to teach, not enjoy carnal pleasure. Before he completely zoned out, he managed to pull himself free from Mars' grip, ignoring the disappointment from the girl.

Brock nodded, scribbling down a few more notes onto his paper. "I'm so trying this when I get home tonight."

Cyrus studied the expressions of the other students in the class, trying to push thoughts of Mars aside. Now was not the time to think of such things. N looked scared (but what else was new). Ghetsis looked thoughtful. Red wore an expression of confusion. Morty looked relieved and Lance had a dreamy expression, like he was replaying sick fantasies in his head. As for the girls, Clair looked ready to kill someone, while the others appeared to be a bit scared… except for Cynthia of course. She was smirking.

"Now Mars… it's your turn. I will be back shortly… I just have to… take care of a few things first." Before Cynthia could stop him, Cyrus raced out of the classroom and hurried towards the nearest bathroom to take care of a few 'urgent matters'.

**.**

…I have no idea how I even managed to keep this T rated… I'm currently trying to play Platinum, but everytime Cyrus pops up on the screen, I start laughing. I can't take him seriously as a villain anymore. Is it just me or does anyone else think Cyrus would totally be a horndog? He just strikes me as the type since he seems to experience emotions quite passionately (even though he tries to deny it).

Anyway, I'm thinking it's time for characters like Bugsy and Clemont to enter, don't you think? Here's some spoilers for the next chapter – sword fight, poor Cyrus and one of the professors comes in for 'research purposes'. As always, reviews are much appreciated!


	7. Fun Stuff

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Pokemon do not belong to me

**Title**

The Teachings of Cyrus

**Summary**

Cyrus failed in his attempt to become the new God, but now he seeks to redeem himself. How? The Champions decide he must educate a group of selected trainers on sexual matters. Poor trainers.

**Special Thanks**

Sorry for the slightly delayed chapter – I'm still mentally scarred from the previous one. Thanks must go to ExodiusLK, lancexlyra4ever, Lieutenant-Jensen, Sailor Taichichi Vegeta, Seas and Shadows and Pokekid543 for reviewing the previous chapter!

.

**Chapter Seven: Fun Stuff**

While Cyrus ran away to take care of a few problems, Mars carried on teaching the class. She wasn't quite sure exactly where the boss had gone, but she knew he'd be back shortly. This was his class after all and he was responsible educating these students. She turned to the class with a straight face, as if the previous activity had not happened at all.

"We are now going to talk about female self-stimulation," she started like it was an ordinary topic to discuss at the dinner table. "This can be done by hand or with sex aids. There are a number of ways you can do this. Ladies can rub their thighs together, use toys or caress their breasts," she further explained.

Misty put her hand up. "What do you mean by toys? Like cute fluffy things?"

Mars shook her head, grinning. When Galactic was in its prime, she and Jupiter had purchased many sexual toys to provide pleasure for those moments when they actually had a chance to relax. Of course, they had to be sneaky about it since Cyrus hated toys because he thought they were meaningless. When the boss wasn't around, she'd use one of these toys and use it on herself to relax.

"There are quite a number of toys available, but I personally recommend the usage of a vibrator," Mars said.

"Dildo!" Lance exclaimed, looking quite proud of himself.

Clair hit him over the head. Lance pouted.

"What's a dodo?" N said. He looked scared. Again.

Ghetsis sighed. "Dildo, stupid boy. Not a dodo!"

N's bottom lip trembled. His daddy was so mean. Mars was about to explain what a dildo actually was when Cyrus walked back into the room, looking rather satisfied with himself. She looked at him. He refused to meet her eyes. Mars made a mental note to herself to pounce on him later and have her way with him to make up for his mistreatment of her. There were a few toys she wanted to put to some good use and he'd be the perfect person to experiment on. She smirked.

"We're talking about vibrators, boss," Mars said.

Now he looked at her. "Charon bought a whole heap the other day."

Charon? Ew. She shuddered. What on earth was Charon doing purchasing vibrators? "You can take over boss, since this is your class." She stepped aside, allowing Cyrus to take his position in front of the class again. He cleared his throat and spoke.

"As Mars has probably informed you, there are many kinds of vibrators. Essentially, a vibrator is any device that vibrates quickly enough to provide a pleasurable sensation."

Brock stuck his hand up in the air. "Like a toothbrush? You know, like a vibrating toothbrush. Those things are really cool; my papa bought me one for my birthday. One of family members likes to use one."

Cyrus fought the urge to roll his eyes. It's a good thing Brock had enrolled in these classes because he really needed them. He hoped the boy had never tried using a vibrating toothbrush to pleasure himself ever because that was just plain freaky. "Never use an electric toothbrush to pleasure yourself," he said sternly. "They are not designed for that." Brock nodded, scribbling down some more notes into his notebook.

"Can I use my XTransceiver?" Morty said. "It vibrates."

"No!" Cyrus snapped. "Do not use toothbrushes, do not use phones, do not use anything else that vibrates other than an actual vibrator!"

Morty lowered his gaze. "Okay."

Lance snickered. "You're a freak."

"Is there an age limit to using a vibrator?" Ghetsis said. "Sometimes I get so lonely…" He gazed down at his hands, twiddling his thumbs.

Cyrus arched a brow. What the fuck? The man was almost as sick minded as that bastard Charon was. How the heck did he even have a kid? Did some poor lady have to drug the guy? Or was it the other way around? Did Ghetsis have to drug some innocent lady to get her to do the deed with him? He shuddered. "No. You have to be at least eighteen to buy one from a shop though." Or you could simply call up Team Flare and negotiate a deal.

"I have vibrators if anyone wants any!" Mars exclaimed. "Just ask me after class and I send you one. You won't regret it – vibrators are amazing, especially if you don't have someone around to do it with."

Cyrus looked around the classroom. Everyone appeared to be listening closely at least. "Write your questions down on a piece of paper and we'll do our best to answer your questions. Make sure your questions relate to what has already been discussed." The activity seemed to work well last time. Besides, it had been a fair time since they had a question and answer segment.

There was a sea of movement as the students eagerly wrote down their questions on their pieces of paper. Even people like Red, the boy who said nothing at all, was writing stuff down. After a quarter of an hour had passed, Mars collected all the papers and handed them to Cyrus to examine.

The questions were as follows:

"Isn't masturbation a sin?"

"What's mutual masturbation?"

"Am I a virgin if I masturbate?"

"What is an orgasm?

"What's a cock ring?"

"I don't masturbate. Is this normal?"

"What's the difference between a dildo and a vibrator?"

"Where can I buy an inflatable doll?"

"What's a good toy to start with? I'm completely new at this."

"I jack off every day. Is this too much?"

"I'm too scared to touch myself! Please help!"

"What the hell are inflatable dolls used for?"

Cyrus sighed. More weird questions to answer. It was going to be interesting to see which perverted bastard asked what. He wasn't going to answer the questions today though since he wanted to wrap up the lesson early because he was beginning to feel like he needed some sexy time with someone. This is what happened to those who took sex classes – they began to crave it themselves after a certain period of time.

"Colress?!" Ghetsis' voice rang out through the classroom, causing Cyrus to snap out of his daydream. He looked towards the front door and noticed a man (or woman?) looking rather confident.

"Who are you?" Cyrus demanded. He couldn't quite tell if Colress was a man or a woman. He… she… it looked rather feminine in that white lab coat. Colress didn't look man enough.

"I'm Colress. I'm here to do some research."

Ghetsis suddenly leapt out of his chair and hid behind the table, cowering. Whoever this Colress was had certainly scared Ghetsis stiff. N, on the other hand, just smiled. "Hi, Colress! I'm so glad you could make it! I hope you find what you need here." So, N had invited this Colress to his class? Even Cynthia looked confused.

Colress walked over to Cyrus and looked him up and down. Without warning, he drew a hand back and slapped him in the face. "What the heck was that for?" Cyrus replied, rubbing his cheek which was now turning a shade of red.

"You've just been bitch-slapped," Colress replied. "Be thankful I'm in a good mood today otherwise you'd be on the floor right now." He turned to face the class. "I am here to carry out a survey about sex. Now, tell me, who here is in a sexual relationship?" Only Lance and Lyra put their hands up. "I see, I see… disappointing…" Colress mumbled.

"Why are you interrupting my class?" Cyrus demanded.

Colress turned to face him. "I figure this would be the best place to obtain data on sexual matters in young adults. Do you mind if I examine each student?"

Examine each student? The man wanted to fondle trainers? What a sick bastard. "You can't do that."

"I'm asexual. I am not sexually attracted to the human body at all. Rather, I want to see how size and shape varies between each specimen," Colress explained calmly as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Do people who lack in size compensate by talking big? Can smaller people have bigger parts than taller people? That is why I am here."

He moved over to the girls first, stopping in front of Misty. "Uh…" Misty said.

"Please, step outside. I would like to examine you in the name of science." He stretched out a hand for Misty to take. She took it reluctantly, giving Cyrus a fearful look.

"I can't wait for him to examine me!" Lance boasted.

"I'm sure you're compensating for something – who else would have three Dragonites on their team?" Morty retorted. "What are you hiding, Lance?" Several students sniggered. Lance glared.

As Misty exited the room, Cyrus called for attention. "You're questions will be answered in the next session. We'll also be starting our next topic – physical changes that happen when puberty occurs." His words were greeted with numerous 'ooh's' and 'aah's'. At least some people were keen. As the students got up and left the room to meet with Colress, Mars took the opportunity to pounce on her boss. She wrapped her legs around his waist, grinding herself against him.

It was rather difficult leaving the room with Mars attached to him, but he somehow managed to make it back to the caravan park fully clothed. He knew he was in for a long, rough and tiring night.

.

I toned it down a little for this chapter since the last one was pretty intense (I'm still recovering). If you're interested in reading some CyrusxMars smut, I've written two (Master and Commander and The Unexpected). Anyways, I will try and get another chapter of this story out within the next few days. More insanity coming up! Reviews are much appreciated, as always!


	8. Cyrus Answers Questions, Part Two

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Pokemon do not belong to me

**Title**

The Teachings of Cyrus

**Summary**

Cyrus failed in his attempt to become the new God, but now he seeks to redeem himself. How? The Champions decide he must educate a group of selected trainers on sexual matters. Poor trainers.

**Special Thanks**

Thanks must go Sailor Taichichi Vegeta, lancexlyra4ever, Lieutenant-Jensen, Pokekid543, ExodiusLK and ShinyPoochyena45 for reviewing the previous chapter! Enjoy the next crazy sex-filled one!

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**Chapter Eight: Cyrus Answers Questions, Part Two**

Class was once again back in session and this time, Cyrus noticed two new faces. Apparently, they were both guys, but Cyrus wasn't so sure about the one called Bugsy. He (she?) looked like a girl with a bad haircut. Bugsy even wore those horrible short shorts girls seemed to think were pretty cool. Bugsy brought shame to the male (female?) race.

Clemont was another freak of nature, but at least he looked male. It was his clothing choice that was disgusting to Cyrus' eyes. The boy dressed like he was modelling for a pyjama company. Cyrus couldn't understand why someone would want to wear that? But then again, not everyone could be as genetically perfect as himself.

"I shall be answering your questions from the previous session," Cyrus said. Mars was sitting with the students in the class now. She was no longer needed, but she insisted on staying just so she could perve on her boss. "Now, the first question…" He checked the list. "Isn't masturbation a sin? Who asked this question?" His eyes scanned the room.

Red put his hand up, his face a bright shade of red. Cyrus snickered. The colour of his face matched his name now. "…"

"You've probably heard that masturbation is a sin from the old people, but do not be led astray by their lies because masturbation is not a sin!" Cyrus explained as he paced back and forth. "Jerkin' off helps us find sexual release when we can't control our desire nor satisfy it with a partner. It's also good for relieving stress and understanding how your body works.

"But what about the hairy palms?" Misty pointed out.

Cyrus sighed. They had already been through this. "You will not grow hairy palms. You will not go blind. You will not have an acne breakout nor will you suddenly become ill with cancer. The people who tell you these lies are probably jealous because they can't get their tools to work properly." He shot a glance in Ghetsis' direction. The man glared back, but shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Red's face turned an even deeper shade of red. He pulled his cap down to cover up his face to hide his shame. He probably had parents who thought masturbation was bad. "…"

"The next question is…" Cyrus started, glancing down at the list again. "What's mutual masturbation?"

Misty raised her hand. "I asked that! That's my question!" Cyrus frowned. For a girl that had been groped by Colress, she seemed to be coping just fine. She seemed happier than usual actually. Weird.

"Mutual masturbation is a sexual act in which two or more people manually stimulate their own genitals or their partner's genitals. This includes hand jobs and fingering," he explained. He had learnt about this one day by accident after having caught Jupiter and Saturn in the act. Ever since that day, he struggled to look them dead in the eye because he was reminded of how stupid they looked.

"Oh… okay," Misty said, slowly nodding her head.

"Let's move onto the next one… now… Am I a virgin if I masturbate?"

Whitney jumped up and down. "It's a sexual act."

"You're a virgin until you've had intercourse which is the actual act of having sex with another person," he explained. This was one of the questions he had trouble trying to explain to his grunts when they asked him about virginity. That had been one very awkward day. His grunts were stupid though. They couldn't even understand how a penis found its way into the vagina. Cyrus had even used the doughnut and sausage example but that didn't do anything either. Some people were just naturally stupid it seemed.

"But what is the actual act of having sex?" Maylene said.

Brock nodded. "Yeah, what is it?"

It was time to use the doughnut and sausage trick again. Amazingly, the classroom actually had doughnuts and sausages in the classroom, as if they had been strategically placed there for today's lesson. Cynthia had probably purchased them sometime early this morning. He pulled them out of the cupboards and held them in the air so everyone could see it. "Now, do you see the sausage and doughnut?"

"I don't know what a doughnut is!" said N.

Lance turned around. "It's the round object."

"Oh!"

What a stupid boy, thought Cyrus. He waved the skinny sausage around in circles. "This is a sausage. In this example, the sausage acts as a penis while the doughnut is a hole. Basically, what happens in sex is this – the sausage enters through the doughnut's hole." He emphasized this point by sticking the sausage through the hole of the plastic doughnut. Several students in the class gasped loudly as the doughnut fell apart.

"Oh my Arceus, the poor doughnut! The sausage killed it!" N wailed.

Whitney's bottom lip trembled. "So if I have sex, I'm going to die?!"

Cyrus shook his head. "No, you will not die from the act of having sex. You can die from an STD though but that's a topic for another time."

"STD? Stupid test death?" Brock said.

"Sex, tits and dick!" Lance whooped.

"Sexually transmitted diseases, but we're not talking about that now," Cyrus replied harshly, trying to steer the conversation back to the original topic of the sausage and the doughnut. Brock sunk back in his seat, ashamed. He cleared his throat and moved onto the fourth question. "What is an orgasm?"

"Oh, I asked that question," Brock said, sitting up straight again. He leaned forward, his notebook and pen prepared.

"An orgasm is a feeling of intense sexual pleasure that happens during sexual activity. This is often referred to 'coming' or 'climaxing'. Both men and women can have them. In a female, this is an intense pleasurable release of sexual tension which is accompanied by contractions of the genital muscles." Some of the females scrunched up their faces in disgust. Cyrus continued. "In a male, an orgasm is experienced when he ejaculates."

"That's a big word," said N.

"Shut up, N," said Lance. "You think everything is a big word. Is that why they called you N? Because you couldn't say a longer word?" Morty snickered at Lance's words. N lowered his head and spoke no further.

Cyrus scanned the list again. "Okay the next question is… What is a cock ring?"

"I've heard about it before," said Maylene. "I thought it was a place for roosters to fight."

"A cock ring is most often used to make an erect penis harder and bigger to delay and heighten orgasm," Cyrus said. He recalled Saturn sneaking a whole heap into his quarters one day. He didn't know why Saturn even bothered because his dick was so small it was hardly worth the effort. He moved on down the list. "I don't masturbate. Is this normal?"

"That must be Clair's question," Lance said. "She's weird like that." Cyrus had to agree. That was weird. Even people like himself, who pretended he didn't feel anything, resorted to such activities when he felt that overpowering urge to sex someone up. Desire was a very powerful feeling as he discovered when he was in his early teenage years.

Clair whacked her cousin on the back of his head, and growled. "Not everyone has the urge to screw."

Lance smirked. "That's true… there'd be more competition otherwise."

"To answer the question, yes, it is normal. There is nothing wrong with you, Clair, it's just strange, that's all. Statistics say that at least ninety-five percent of men fap in comparison to the eighty-nine percent of women."

"I'm part of that ninety-five percent," Lance said proudly. The guy might as well hold a banner above his head that read, 'I am a proud masturbator and I am okay!' How the heck did the guy get to the top anyway?

Lyra smiled at him. "I know. Sometimes I watch you."

Way too much information, but at least they were comfortable with their sexual status. "What's the difference between a dildo and a vibrator?" Cyrus read aloud, moving down the list.

Lyra raised a hand. "I was curious."

"That is a good question and you are fortunate that I can answer that for you. They're basically the same thing since they share similar shape, but one vibrates and the other doesn't. You just need to find the right one for you.

Mars smiled. "If you want some, just ask me after class! I have a great list."

"Awesome!" Lyra cheered. "I mean, uh yeah sure thing," she added.

Well, at least Mars was going to have some buyers after this. If she sold enough at a good price, she might be able to upgrade her caravan. "Where can I buy an inflatable doll?" said Cyrus, reading out the next question. He guessed this one had to do with Ghetsis. He looked like the inflatable doll type.

This was a question he didn't know the answer too since he didn't see the purpose of inflatable dolls. Why use one when he could get the real thing instead? But then again, Ghetsis was a sad and lonely man who had issues downstairs. He needed all the help he could get. "Mars? Do you sell inflatable dolls?"

She nodded, winking at Ghetsis. "I certainly do! We have many types, but the most popular ones are the aliens for some reason." She frowned. Cyrus really didn't want to know more about these 'aliens'. "I can arrange one for you after this session?" Ghetsis turned red, but he nodded anyway.

Pushing aside thoughts of alien inflatable dolls, Cyrus proceeded to go down the list. He read out the next question. "What's a good toy to start with? I'm completely new at this."

Morty sat up straight. "I just, you know, wanted to know… My parents never let my play with anything so I don't know much about good toys."

"It really depends on what you are interested in. The market for male sex toys isn't quite as varied as the female market, but you can go with products like the prostate massager or the fleshlight," Cyrus said.

"I'd recommended the vibrating fleshlight," Lance said. "It's lots of fun." He winked.

Morty paled. He looked as white as a ghost which was somewhat amusing considering he was a Ghost-type trainer. "Okay…" He then mumbled something about 'what am I going to tell my gym trainers when they see this…'

Next question. "I jack off every day. Is this too much?" He didn't need to have a major in sexpertology (sex psychology) to figure out who asked this question. Cyrus looked in Lance's direction who had a smirk plastered on his face. Yup. Of course.

"That's me!" he stated proudly. Again, Cyrus could just imagine the dragon master running around with a banner above his head. "I hope it's not a problem."

Cyrus shook his head. "It only becomes a problem if it interferes with your daily activities. Say, turning down a Pokemon battle with a challenger because you want to spend some time loving yourself instead." He tilted his head to the right and frowned. "You do not do that, right?"

"Of course not. Only the privileged get to see it up and close."

Naturally. The boy had severe head problems. "I'm too scared to touch myself! Please help!" This obviously belonged to N because he was scared of everything. "You do not have to be afraid, N. Be brave and face your fears."

N glanced down at his pants. "But… it's so scary!"

Bugsy and Clemont finally joined the conversation as well. They looked like they had seen ghosts… or had stumbled in on Lance loving himself… or worse. Bugsy spoke first. "If I touch it, will stuff come out? When my bugs feel threatened, they expel white stuff!"

Clemont readjust his wide frame glasses and nodded. "This… is… fascinating… stuff."

Cyrus ignored the two freaks and looked at N. "You should never be afraid to explore your own body. Feel around see what feels good and what doesn't. If it feels painful, you're probably not doing it right. In that case, just go and ask Lance… or watch a porno for advice."

Nodding, N looked to his father. "Daddy, can you teach me?"

Ghetsis put on a fake smile. "Sure thing, son."

That was going to be one awkward family dinner, Cyrus thought. "Okay, last question. What the hell are inflatable dolls used for?" Obviously, this had to belong to Dawn. "Inflatable dolls are sex toys used to aid in sexual stimulation. They come in different designs, including aliens apparently, so you have quite a fair bit of choice. Some guys get bored using their own hands so they look to other alternatives." Apparently, Saturn had a few blow-up dolls in his quarters… What a freak.

"Ew, that's so gross," commented Dawn.

"Yes, I know."

"So, Cyrus, what's the next topic?" said Brock.

Yes, that was a good question. What was the next topic? "We shall talk about changes that occur when one goes through puberty… or in this case, has." There were multiple 'oohs' and 'aah's' and 'oh sweet Arceus' comments from the students. This was going to be a rather interesting session.

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And that's another chapter down! Lots of random humour coming up in the next chapter! Reviews are much appreciated, as always!


	9. Trouble on the Horizon

**Disclaimer**

The rights to Pokemon do not belong to me

**Title**

The Teachings of Cyrus

**Summary**

Cyrus failed in his attempt to become the new God, but now he seeks to redeem himself. How? The Champions decide he must educate a group of selected trainers on sexual matters. Poor trainers.

**Special Thanks**

Dorabeadarling, Sailor Taichichi Vegeta, Pokekid543, Lieutenant-Jensen and ExodiusLK for reviewing the previous chapter! Apologies for the delay – I'm currently in balancing time between studying for my final macroeconomics and finance exam and finding time to write.

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**Chapter Nine: Trouble on the Horizon**

"You owe me," Mars said, sitting on the caravan's floor across from Cyrus. "I helped you teach a class and now you owe me!" she grinned.

Cyrus cringed. He had hoped she had forgotten about that detail, but when it came to sex, Mars never forgot anything. "Mars… I have to prepare for class tomorrow." It was going to be another long and awkward session of answering questions about the human body. He turned his back to Mars and focused on organizing his teaching notes. Tomorrow's topic was all about changes that occur when puberty strikes.

"But boss…" Mars whined. "You promised!"

He sighed. "Mars, I appreciate your assistance in helping me with the lesson, but please, drop it." He glanced back down at his notes trying to figure out where to start. Red, Whitney and Maylene had dropped out of the class, but they had been replaced by two people. The first was a boy called Silver who apparently had a number of issues according to Giovanni. The second person joining his class was Blue. Blue was being forced to enrol by his concerned grandfather, Professor Oak. He was also a handful and quite the pervert. As if Lance wasn't enough to deal with.

"But I'm horny…" Mars said.

Cyrus sighed again, raking a hand through his blue spiky hair. "That is not my problem." He thought that would be enough to make her lose interest in him, but sadly, it only encouraged her. She tackled him from behind and pinned him to the ground. When Mars was sexually aroused, she was much stronger than usual. "Mars… please get off me."

She did as commanded and rolled away then threw an empty pizza box at the back of his head. "I guess I'll just have to do something else with my time then," she scowled.

Cyrus sighed with relief. At least she wasn't going to bother him anymore. Now he could work on preparing his notes for tomorrow's session without having to worry about Mars. He pulled out his PokeGear item and brought up a random puberty webpage. Why read books when the internet was much quicker? He was about to write down a few notes when a low moan filled the caravan.

He didn't even need to look behind him to know what was going on. Mars was sexing herself up in an attempt to get his attention which was quite hard to ignore since she was just a few feet away from him. Her sounds she happened to be making were also quite loud in volume. It was becoming increasingly difficult to shut her out. "Mars… I am trying to concentrate…" he said.

She continued making loud moaning noises. He stood up, walked over to the kitchen and grabbed one of Mars' long coats off the rack then walked over to Mars with his eyes fixed on the ground. He threw the coat on the top of her. "Boss!" she hissed.

"Shut up, Mars."

He walked back to his original position then sat down and filtered through the notes on the screen. He scribbled down a few important ones when the caravan door flung open. Saturn and Jupiter entered, their arms wrapped around each other as their tongues battled for dominance. Cyrus sighed. How was he supposed to get anything done while his commanders acted like this?

"Oh, hi boss!" Saturn said, temporarily moving away from Jupiter's mouth to catch some air.

"This is my caravan! Get out!" Mars said, glaring.

"Good work on the sessions, boss!" Jupiter said, winking. "I've learnt so much!" She turned back to Saturn again and licked his nose. "Come on, let's find somewhere else!"

"What about the tree house?"

"Excellent idea!"

"To the tree house!" Saturn lifted up Jupiter and carried her out of the door, bridal-style.

Mars stood up and slammed the door shut, pouting. Obviously, she was angry judging by the scowl on her face. She looked at him, expectantly, foot tapping the ground. "I want sex and I want it now!" Cyrus backed away until he hit the table. He could deal with an angry commander easily enough, but a sexually aroused commander was troublesome.

"Why don't you ask Saturn? I did hire him for that purpose, you know." He wasn't originally going to hire another guy, but he figured humans had certain needs that needed to be fulfilled and so he recruited Saturn to perform sexual acts for the females.

She pounced. He fell back down on the flimsy table which collapsed under their combined weight. Thud. He landed on the ground with Mars sitting on top of him. "He's with Jupiter. Besides, I want _you._"

He wasn't sure whether he should be flattered by that comment or not. "I do not partake in sexual activity anymore."

She laughed. "That's a lie. You let me touch you."

"For educational purposes."

"And then you ran off to the bathroom forcing me to cover for you for awhile when my part was clearly over." She poked him in the chest. "You owe me big time, boss. I promise you, I don't carry an STD. Charon checked."

His eyes widened. "Charon checked?" Since when was Charon a doctor?

"I know, it shocked me too… but I'm all clean! So you have nothing to be afraid of, boss."

Cyrus tried to search for a logical reason to get out of this situation, but his logical mind failed to come up with anything. So he lay there looking up at her, waiting for her next move. Damn sex lessons, Cyrus scolded himself. Teaching it only made you want it more. "Fine, fine… do as you wish… but do not speak of this to anyone else, especially Cynthia. That woman is up to something. If she learns that I gave you my consent, she will most likely try to force us both into some cheap porno and I would prefer not to do that and-"

"Boss?"

"Yes, Mars?"

"Shut up."

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He woke up bright and early the next day and found himself lying down on the caravan floor with a naked Mars curled up against him. He pulled away from her carefully and stood up, wincing as a wave of pain rushed through his body and grabbed his clothing. He already knew that Mars enjoyed inflicting pain when it came to Pokemon battles, but he didn't realize she was a sadistic love maker as well. He was surprised he could even move after the events of last night.

But he couldn't worry about that now – he had a class to get to! He walked (limped) as fast as his legs would carry him until he was stopped by two random guys. One looked like a reject from a pirate movie and the other wore a two coloured coat of some sort. "That's him all right!" said the pirate.

"Uh… hello?" Cyrus started.

The pirate pointed at him. "Cyrus!"

Cyrus arched a brow. They knew his name. Were they fans of his? "Yes?"

"Stop fooling around, Archie! We need to teach this chump a lesson!" the coat wearing guy said.

Cyrus frowned. Chump? "Excuse me?"

"No one is interested in watching our shows because of you!" the pirate complained, gobs of spit flying in Cyrus' face. "Your sex education classes are extremely popular in Hoenn and we have come to put an end to it! No one pays us any attention and it's because of you." He turned to his companion. "What should we do to him, Maxie?"

"Slap him?"

"I was hoping we could tickle him instead."

Maxie shrugged. "Yes, I suppose that could work." He turned to face Cyrus. "You will cease your sex classes otherwise we will be forced to tickle you."

Cyrus crossed his arms. "I have endured far worse than being tickled. You will have to do much better than that to intimidate me." He recognized the names Archie and Maxie now. They were Hoenn's infamous stars of the penis show. Cyrus had watched one episode by mistake before. It had been a pretty horrific experience. If people from other regions were paying him more attention than the infamous duo, he must be doing something right. "I know I am genetically perfect, but you don't have to be jealous. I will suggest to the students to watch your television show on Friday nights at eleven pm."

"Genetically perfect?" Archie repeated.

Cyrus glared. "Yes, you heard right."

"Pfft, you are all talk," said Maxie.

"I have watched one of your episodes and I have to say you both are lacking in the downstairs department. Now if you will excuse me, I have a class to teach." He pushed past them both and hopped onto the bus leaving the two Hoenn villains behind, looking rather dumbfounded and offended at the same time.

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And once again this was one of those filler chapters – more sex-based humour in the next chapter! Also, do check out my other Galactic-based stories for more random sex-humour. I'm thinking of doing a dinner party where the villains all meet up – what do you think? As always, reviews are much appreciated!


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